BrainTap has been added to our services

Brain Tap

Relax, Reboot and Revitalize with BrainTap

Denise and I are always looking for ways we can Level Up our lives.  When we find out new things, we always want to pass them on to as many people as we can.  We are doing that with BrainTap.

BrainTap is a headset that goes over your ears and eyes and uses different lights and sound to activate the healing waves in your brain.  You can get more of the science behind it here.

We know first hand how beneficial therapy is.  With BrainTap, we are super sizing therapy.  Because it helps to get your left and right brain to communicate, it can help create new pathways in your brain which means new behaviors.

Let me tell you my experience in the first week.  I have been working on getting some extra weight off. While I’ve had success focusing on nutrition. I hit a plateau I couldn’t seem to bust.  Since learning about BrainTap, I’ve done the program for Weight Wellness every day.  It’s a different program with guided visualizations and affirmations each day.  Since starting, I’ve broken my plateau and I’m back to losing again. So far 4 lbs in 1 week.

In addition to the weight coming off, I’m feeling more refreshed with more energy, concentration, and productivity through out my day.  Owning and running your own business(es) can be exhausting and rewarding. The renewal I’ve felt in the last week has been refreshing.

We want everyone to try this. Your first session will be free. After that, I’ll tell you about packages and Denise can customize with you which programs to start.

Stay well friends. You are important.

Rewards and Consequences: Part 2

Consequences ahead road sign
Consequences

There are times where the kiddos are not acting out with a full-on temper tantrum, but they are doing behaviors that we do not like. This is when consequences are awesome tools to use. Think of consequences as removal of stimulation. When we punish the behavior with a consequence then that behavior will decrease. This again is an amazingly simple concept that we complicate.  We can have consequences like time outs, taking away of tv time, going to bed early, taking away phone, taking away screen time etc. Even when the kiddo says “I don’t care that you took away my television time tonight I am going to read instead so there” yeah-do not fall for this. They care! They just don’t want to show you it bothers them so they will instead lash out and tell you how wrong you are for taking something away by showing you or telling you it will not work.

They are crafty little buggers.

If you threaten to take something away, you better hold yourself accountable and take whatever it was away. This helps provide security and trust between you and your child. They will understand that when you, the parent, say something, you mean it. If you hear yourself repeatedly saying the same things to your child/children, then it is you that needs to change something, not the kids.

Example 1:

One of my daughter’s chores in our house is to empty the dishwasher when I ask. When the dishwasher is ready, I will call her downstairs and say, “could you please empty the dishwasher by 6 pm”. She of course would say what I wanted to hear “yes mom” but then she would not follow through with what I asked her. The me that was raised by my parents would have said yelling, “get down here now and do the dishwasher” and then as she was walking towards the dishwasher, I would say things like, “how many times do I have to ask you, it’s not that hard if you just did it the first time I wouldn’t have to yell,” etc. you get the picture. But the Denise version 2.0 just says “if you don’t empty the dishwasher by 6 then the cell phone is mine. It’s literally that easy. There is no yelling in my house. It is not allowed.

Example 2:

I had a client who was married for over 25 years and she would get so angry over one of her husband’s behaviors. After several times telling me her frustration with this behavior I asked if she wanted to change it. She looked at me with a very puzzled look on her face, “He has been doing this for ever how I am going to get him to change?” That was the moment I strategically placed my consequence plan in place. Her husband’s behavior that she was frustrated with was that he would eat at the island and not push his stool back in. yep, it might sound frivolous to some, but this droves her crazy. What is the plan: I told her that every time from now until next week he does not put his stool back in that she was to say nothing and when he left the room, she would take away that stool?.  Again, she looked at me like I was nuts. She said well there are two other stools and I said, “Guess what you are going to do if he uses the 2 other stools and doesn’t push them in? Yep, you are going to take those away as well.” I believe that she put them out on their porch for safe keeping. So, after the 3rd day when he was going to sit down for lunch there were no stools. He looked at her confused and said, “where are the stools” she calmly and politely said “Since you won’t push them in like I ask I guess you don’t have them anymore” after some short discussion he said, “oh that’s all it will take to get my seat back you want me to push them in?”

Ever since that day, which has now been years, he has pushed his stool in. This person’s husband literally had no idea how much it bothered her even though she begged and pleaded, yelled, got into arguments about the stool throughout the years he never heard her until she “acted” and took something away.

Stay well, friends. You are important.

Rewards and Consequences: Part 1

temper tantrum

Rewards

We have talked about the 5 parenting steps.  Now lets dig a bit deeper and talk about rewards and consequences. We know that if we want a behavior to stop then we do not feed into that behavior. But how do we get our children to act in a way that is acceptable to us?

Rewards: We all love them!

Whether it be that chocolate cake, ice cream, paycheck, smile, touch, hug, or any of the millions of rewards that are within our reach. When we reward a behavior then the likely hood of that behavior continuing is exceedingly high. It is an amazingly simple concept that is so extremely hard to apply in situations without some guidance. I will give two examples of what this looks like.

Example 1:

I wanted my children to say please if they wanted their milk out of the refrigerator. This was important to me for several reasons but the biggest one was that I wanted my son to speak. (Diagnosed with severe autism and was told he would probably never speak). At the time, my mom was still alive, and we were at her house. My son wanted milk, so he signed the word for milk, and he was by the refrigerator. I got up and went into the kitchen and said to him “do you want milk” and he shook his head while using sign for milk. I say, “you need to say/sign milk please”. Like every toddler he liked to push boundaries. I would not give him the milk until he said/signed what I wanted him to sign. As you can imagine he started to wail, cry and eventually throw himself on the ground in a full temper tantrum.

Guess who was more upset than my son? My mom!

She said to me “oh Denise just give him the milk he’s thirsty” I held my ground and told my mom that him talking was more important to me then dealing with his temper tantrum. When he was in a temper tantrum, I did not feed into the behavior but also made sure he was safe. Once he calmed down, he got up and signed/spoke more milk please” and I gave him his milk. I would love to tell you that it only needed to happen a couple of times before he got it . But he learned to sign/say more milk please which then carried over to water please, food please, etc. So, his reward when the behavior I wanted was present was the milk in this example. When Darrin was younger his reward at school was Cheetos. I swear that boy would do a back flip for a ½ of a Cheeto! Both at home and at school we were doing the same behavior training.

Example 2:

A young lady around 12 years old wants her mother’s attention. This is her reward. Her behavior is extreme in trying and succeeding in getting her mom’s attention with negative behavior. This caused havoc in the home and there are other children as well who want and need their mom’s attention and are younger. The mom wanted to pull her hair out and had a serious internal battle going on. On one hand, she knew that she should not be giving into her daughters demands while at the same time knowing that kids need love and attention. I am talking serious internal fight going on within the mom. Mom came to me ready to work so we dug right in and started to ignore the attention seeking behaviors and when we had success with that (about 5 days) we started to reward the kid’s non attention seeking behavior with spending one on one time with mom. Yep, we literally changed the behavior to that of a reward or positive reinforcement and everyone in this house benefitted. The daughter still will have times where her old behavior will return but that’s when mom employs her bag of tools. Consistency 😉

Stay well, friends. You are important!

Parenting Part 2: Denise explains how to change a child’s behavior

Family Photo with dogs
Last post we ended with not taking thing personal.
I’m going to go into that a little more.

 

Step 3 continued – Don’t take it personal

It’s tough to raise kids and no one bothered to give us a set of directions!  We get a set of directions for assembling furniture and driving a car and there sure should be one for raising children.  In light of a set of directions, these steps will help.

Your child or children are going to fight, yell, call you names (like seriously bad names) just to push boundaries.  What their behavior is really saying is “please mom/dad/parental figure give me a consequence to my behavior because I don’t know what I am doing”  An example for me is when my daughter gets frustrated with the way I do or say something because it’s not what she wants to hear.  She will get in my face and yell and/or tell me loudly how my parenting is subpar to what she would do if in my shoes!  Usually there are swear words thrown in there and ones that she knows will push my buttons.  I mean she is my kid and has been watching me for over 17 years.

So what do I do when she is acting like this…….. NOTHING  I do not say a word. By the way, that drives her crazy.  I give her no reinforcement of any kind.   I try to keep my body language the same and my facial expressions the same-although if you know me keeping my eyebrows from moving is difficult- but just the same, I try to not react.  When things calm down, I come up with her consequences.  This can involve taking away the phone or sometimes if the teenager won’t give it to you, then I resort to shutting off wi-fi and her phone.   These episodes could easily blow up and become disastrous, but NOT taking anything they say personal can help your mindset so that you too can not react.

Step 4 – Extinguish the behavior and reward when behavior is no longer present.

This is a play off of the other steps.  If we want to extinguish behavior we can not under any circumstances feed into the behavior.  Part of this is trusting yourself that at each point of your child’s life you have provided them with the necessary tools to self-sooth.  If you are like most parents (including this one) your natural instinct is to scoop them up and hold them and give into their demands but that is the opposite of what needs to happen if you want that behavior to disappear.

I have a lot of examples but the recent example that comes to mind is that of a parent of an 11 year old girl who appears to be having the worst anxiety of her life.  The mom describes the anxiety as painstaking to see and hear.  The mom’s heart just breaks each time the child gets anxious.  Sound familiar?  The child’s behavior gets amped up towards the end of the day when they are getting ready for bed.  This is when the child’s behavior goes from a 6 to a 10+.  She comes into the parents room, cries for mom or dad, sometimes goes into their room to use the bathroom when there is one in the hall where her bedroom is, etc you get the picture.  What do you think I told this mom (and lots and lots and lots of other parents)?

STOP STOP STOP.

Do not give her any attention at all when she is like this.  Stop and walk away.  Go to your bedroom or a bathroom or outside or in the car. I don’t really care but do not stay present while her child is doing this behavior.   Because it is a behavior and it is not anxiety the way we think of anxiety.  This kiddo is awesome. She comes up with every reason you can imagine why she needs her mom or dad.  Once this mom decided enough was enough, she was able to listen to my suggestion and did not say one word when the child’s behavior happened.  This mom had to actually lock her and her husband in their bedroom.  Even when the kid was knocking and begging at the door the parents didn’t say a word.  The dad had to yell in the pillow out of frustration and the mom cried but they didn’t let the child hear any of that which is really important.  It took 3 nights after they committed to stop feeding into the child’s behavior and the kiddo stopped banging on the door or crying  or coming up with every trick she could think of to get mom and dad’s attention.

Of course kids are adaptable and the child started a different behavior to get mom’s attention.

Mom caved but quickly realized what was happening and immediately stopped.   It has been over 2 weeks and that kiddos extreme anxiety is down to less than a 5.  That’s right, after 3 nights the behavior was almost completely eliminated and after 5 nights it is no longer present.  Imagine how this could benefit your particular situation.

I know I mentioned rewarding when the behavior is no longer present.  This is another blog post in it’s own so for now, you’ll have to stay tuned.

These two steps are a lot to take in.  I know. I understand. I’ve done it. Since they are so much, I’m going to leave my final step for next week.

If you’d like a 1:1 session with my for parenting, I am available.  Call Transformation Mentors at 860-787-0178 and Shawna will help you get on my schedule.

Stay well friends. You are important.

Parenting Part 1

Family and their dog, parenting

Denise here. I do this all day long so I’m going to start posting here to pass it on.

Are you struggling with your child’s behavior? Maybe they are anxious and struggling themselves with the different feelings associated with anxiety. Or, maybe they are feeding off the household tension that they feel on a subconscious level.  It doesn’t matter what the underlying cause of their behaviors is, it’s still just behavior.

How to successfully treat any behavior

I know.  There are so many ways out there that you are probably inundated with a whole bunch of information that you either heard, read, or googled. The method that I teach is simplistic but requires consistency which can be a challenge. It does not matter why the behavior is occurring (diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, anxiety, Autism, deaf, depression, Reactive Attachment Disorder, problems with sensory processing, or any other diagnosis you can throw out there). If I can successfully manage my 17 year old man child who has been diagnosed with sever autism, then trust me, you can manage your child’s behavior as well. I do not just tell you what I think might work. It works!

Step 1- STOP feeding into the behavior.

That means stop asking why they are feeling the way they are or asking how you feel when __________ behavior occurs. Or any of the millions of excuses we find to feed into the behavior. If you want behavior to continue then go ahead and give it all the energy you want.  If you do not want the behavior to continue, then we stop giving it energy.

Step 2 Stop talking.

Yep, we as parents say way too much to our kids.  We believe that the kiddos can understand what we are trying to communicate.    It does not matter whether or not they understand what we are asking of them.  The fact is that it does not have any influence over their behavior.  Behavior is just behavior and the way behavior is changed is through this 5 step system.

Step 3 Do not take it personally.

I am not here to criticize your parenting ability in fact I am here to be in your corner and support you and tell you how much you ROCK at parenting. I myself am not a superstar parent- just ask the other twin, my daughter, who is also 17 and acts just like her MOTHER.  Whatever happens when you start doing this, don’t take their response personal. Their response is not about you. It’s theirs. So, let that ish go and keep doing it.

Next post I’ll go into more so stay tuned.

As Shawna says, stay well friends, you are important.

Autism is like red hair

Autism

Autism is like red hair

No joke.  Autism happens in about 1.85% of people.  Guess how many people are born with red hair? Yep, one to two percent.

I’m bringing this up because I feel like we need to work on the acceptance of people with autism and what makes them uniquely fabulous, like we do with redheads.

Help me take out the negative stigmas that come with autism. It’s not just kids, either. Kids with Autism become adults with Autism.  What I’ve learned is that what doctors usually say a kid grows out of is often them “masking” or learning to conform within society constraints without really understanding context.

My son Darrin has autism.  He also has Tourette’s syndrome.

This is something that WE are more or less used to. His expression of autism is not just he’s socially awkward or misses social queues.  Darrin is almost always in a constant brain spin on fourteen different things.  He expresses it by using his hands to represent the “voices” or scripts going on in his head. He is always talking-very seldom does he stop talking. It’s mostly to himself with the scripts of the programs he watches and he will be very LOUD not realizing how loud he is. With all of this, he is 18 and looks like a young man. He is almost 6ft tall and over 200lbs-but he thinks he is still a child around 6-8.  He will probably remain about 8 years old developmentally for the rest of his life.  He is our man child. We love him dearly.

Something else about Darrin, he has no ego, he is always in the moment, he is very keen on people’s suffering, and he is unaware of others who might be disparaging to him-THANK GOD.  I’m going to tell you a story.

Yesterday when Darrin came home from school,

we talked about going to get him cards to write back to all his friends who sent him letters through the mail. So, we hop in “CHEETAH” (our orange Jeep) and I give him the list. “We’re going to the bank, to UPS, and then to Target to get your cards.”  The ride to the bank Darrin played the script in his head about all the “Higglytown Heroes” which is a children’s show that talks about different jobs. So, when we get to the bank, Darrin asked the bank teller if she was going to mail the letters.  Of course, he towers over both the teller and I and he speaks like a child. She looked at him confused but then I said, “she’s a bank teller. She helps people put money in the bank and take money out of the bank”. He seemed to understand better and then carried on a conversation with her about how his friend at school has her same name. We finished our transaction and Darrin waved and said “Bye teller!”.  From the time we entered the bank until we left, we had so many looks. By the time he said “Bye teller!” you could see a lot of eyes lift in delight. He brings the joy. 

Next, we go to UPS. Now, this one was confusing because Darrin knows all about the post office and the process of letters getting to destinations and was trying to ask questions since we weren’t in the post office.  The UPS worker was NOT interested in interacting with Darrin at all.  So, Darrin blew him a kiss.  No ego-aware of person’s suffering-doesn’t take it personal.

Finally, we make it to Target. Darrin has to use the restroom.

We both go in and I beat him out.  At the door, I hear him speaking. I don’t worry about it. It’s the script.  Another woman approaches the men’s restroom with her kids.  She tells her young son-probably 5-“don’t let anyone touch you.” Then, a grown man nearby says, “There’s some weird guy in there talking to himself”.  I flare up. I get full mama bear and in a polite but matter of fact voice I say, “He’s not weird. He has autism.” It shut the guy down and he walked away with his head down. Then, the mom and I proceeded to talk about shoes and waiting for spring.

Four minutes later, I call into the bathroom, “Darrin, I’m still out here waiting”. His reply, “I’m still here”. Of course he is. In the moment. No ego.

So, the next time you’re in a public place and someone is talking to themselves in disjointed sentences, or flinging their hands around in a nonsensical manner, yeah – they might be drunk or high. But, they may also have autism.  If you’re not in danger, maybe mind your own business. Or, you could be surprised if you engage in a conversation with them and let them bring some joy into your world.

Finally, these are our kids.

They are just as much a part of our community as all the red heads. They have value. They are real and have real emotions just like you and I. Help me love our kids up and in turn lift our community.

Here’s some more info:

About Autism

About Tourette’s Syndrome

Stay well, friends. You are important.

Am I Worthy?

Mirror Work

Am I Worthy?

Last week I had 2 friends ask me how I get to the point where I feel worthy.  I was like, hold on. I’m going to need more coffee. Two friends! In the same week!

This is such a loaded question. I don’t think I have all the answers. I don’t know that I have any answers. I can only tell you about my experience.  I think I need to back this train up a bit.

My journey to worthiness has been long and constant.

There was no epiphany where I woke up one day and thought, “I’m worthy today where yesterday I wasn’t.”  Self-worth has been something I’ve strived for and longed for.   Now, I have better practice at not monetizing my worth based on others but it’s still PRACTICE. 

I think about this quote by Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.” She says a whole lot after that, too that made sense to me.  And you can take God how you wish. For me, I am a child of the universe that is infinitely greater than I am and teaches me all the time.

While she doesn’t say anything directly about worthiness or self-worth, I think it still says something to the topic. Some people are able to get that sense of self worth in worshipping God who because they love them they are worthy.  For me, I had a hard time accepting that. Not to say that my construct of God isn’t loving but that wasn’t where I got my self-worth.

I grew up in a family with a lot of addiction issues, generational trauma, and abuse.  (Don’t worry, I’m good – Lots and lots of work).

Self-worth was not something we ever talked about. In fact, most of the time, I never thought I was good enough to receive the love my parents had to give.  I would try like hell to get their attention but when your mom is raised by wolves and your dad has experienced war trauma, there weren’t a lot of examples on how to give and receive love.  I had to learn. We all did.

On top of that, we were just trying to figure out how to get by and survive. Showing affection was the last thing on the list.  How on earth could we have learned what self-worth was? I was just trying to be self sufficient as to not incur the wrath of a parent who was just trying to survive.

Now that you have some background, hopefully it’s easier to understand why the journey to self-worth for me was not a walk in the park.  Here’s where things started to shift for me.   In my twenties, I started reading a lot. The books I chose had a lot to do with how to change the way you think to create a better world for yourself and taking responsibility for yourself in everything.  Of course when I started implementing the practices in the books, my circle got smaller and smaller. My relationship fell apart. My family dynamic started to change.  I’m sure it was because I no longer fit into the boxes others had created for me. (I’m realizing I still do this from time to time).  I spent a lot of time alone.

ALONE.
No relationship.
Very few friends.
Alone.

When I spent time in solitude without the distractions of who was doing what with whom or spending money for the next great thing everyone wanted, I got to know myself really well.

I started having opinions on things I had no idea I had opinions on. I ate the food I wanted and none of the food I didn’t. I stopped drinking. Yep. I didn’t like the way it made me feel and so I stopped doing it to fit in.  I went on hikes and sat in grass and didn’t care if people looked at me funny. I watched movies, documentaries and seminars I was curious about. I never had to apologize to myself or explain to anyone what I was doing.

I also started habits that I carry with me today.

I say affirmations on a daily. When I first started, I didn’t believe what I was saying. Things like, “I am powerful and there is a knowing within me that is my divine guidance”. Who says that?! I do-to myself daily. Eventually, I started saying affirmations in my head that I had memorized and I did believe them.  Now, this took probably a year before I actually started believing it. I realized my words had power so I started changing the way I spoke to more positive and less self-deprecating-still didn’t always believe it, but I did it.

It was in the alone time that I realized, yea, I am a badass.

I can do things I want to do, how I want to do them. AND if anyone is going to be a part of my world, they really have to bring their own bad-assery. My world is good. I am good on my own. I am worthy because I feed and nourish myself with the things that make me feel good and valued.

I acknowledge that spending time completely alone is sacred.

I am so fortunate to have those years where I was a single lady getting to know myself better rather than going on countless dates to get to know others.  Alone time looks different now.  With the responsibilities of kids, future spouse, future in laws, and running the biz, again, alone time is sacred.

Looking back on it, I would spend that time alone again. The self-awareness led to my self-worth which is priceless.

Stay well, friends. You are important.

Integration and Integrity

work life balance

Integration and Integrity

One of the reasons I love doing what I do is because my life is integrated and I can live in integrity. Let me explain just a little.

When I was working at a J.O.B., I had my work life and my personal life.

While I had a few friends at work, the majority of my associates had no idea about anything going on in my personal life.  I felt very protective of my personal life and that if I disclosed too much, it would affect how my colleagues and maybe even how my manager would see me.  It also meant that I put on my “professional voice” and “canned responses” and then took them off when I logged out. Sometimes though, that didn’t always translate and telling someone I’d respond to them within 48 hours wasn’t ideal-ha! The dogs were not happy when I said I’ll let you know within 48 hours.

Now, I have this freedom and clarity that I can be completely open about what is happening in my personal life without worrying.

I’m my own boss. I set the stage for what kind of company and culture I want to have.  Being able to speak openly about CBD and also talk about its impact on my family without the constraints of the J.O.B. culture provides room to be in integrity with myself.

At one point in the not so distant past, I was not living in integrity.

To me, that means being honest with myself and others.  For me to live in integrity, it meant I had to examine how I actually felt about the relationships I had with others.  I had spent so many years trying to fit in so many boxes for people that I had lost what I actually wanted and felt.  It left me stretched, unhappy, unfulfilled, and deceptive.  Yes, deceptive.  Not only was I kidding myself that my life was fulfilling, I would keep details from others to make it seem like it was and like I was happy. Those details add up.  Just yesterday, I reminded someone that with emotional fallout, you’re going to pay for it. Whether you pay for it now or later, you still pay for it.

It took the devastating loss of my parents to make me actually look deep and decide what I was willing to accept for my life.

I definitely didn’t transition well.  I made some really hard decisions that hurt people. When it came down to it, I could no longer claim living in integrity until I actually followed my heart, listened to my gut, and was honest.

Fast forward two years, I have an integrated life where I’m not hiding in shadows of my self doubt and people pleasing.

This isn’t to say that I don’t work on it daily. Everyday is a chance for me to create the good. That comes easier day by day but I still have to make the effort not to put myself away.  To live intentionally with integrity, for me, means I wake up, get still, listen to my gut, and follow my heart. Who you see on Instagram and Facebook is who I am.  While I may edit a video to make it more efficient, you would recognize me on the street because I’m happy about the skin I’m in! (and simultaneously always looking for how to improve my health and well being).  We’re all works in progress right?

How do you integrate your life? How do you stay the same person at work and at home?  Since I’m just starting to figure this out and retrain myself out of old conditioning, I’d really like to know.

Stay well, friends. YOU are important.

Haters Gonna Hate

The feedback I get about my blog has been interesting.

Most folks are super supportive and tell me about what they relate to in the blog. You know what else though? Haters gonna hate. My entire life, I’ve had haters. I think most people do.  Here’s what I’ve learned.

Haters are looking at something they don’t like about themselves.

It’s not usually what I’ve said or done. Actually, I try pretty hard to be inclusive, not assume, and only speak for myself.  Usually, they get upset about something that they assume, exclude, or make about themselves.  That can be uncomfortable. In fact, when I’ve found myself hating on some good fortune of someone else, I pretty quickly shift into, “what is missing in myself or what do I need to examine about myself that I’m having a hard time being happy for them.”

Self-reflection is HHHHHAAAARRRRDDDD.

For me, standing back and trying to see what I could do better and then actually execute it the next time it comes up is really challenging. It’s so easy to swirl down that old dirt road of “they just don’t understand” or “no one is listening to me”. What’s not easy is understanding that they don’t have to understand me, only I do. And, so what if they aren’t listening-why am I wasting my breath instead of doing something productive for me.  Showing myself love is also showing the haters love.

As a reformed hater (OK, I admit, sometimes I still swirl down the old dirt road), I am better equipped to brush off the criticism or misunderstanding by just remembering it’s not actually about me.  There are so many stories and experiences that we have no idea about when people share.  We get a select snippet of a thought and fill in our own gaps for the lifetime of experience within ourselves to draw our own conclusions.

Finally, why do we justify ourselves?

Why do we feel like we have to have qualifiers or explain why something is? I’m going to practice not giving into the urge of over explaining or justifying myself.

How do you respond to haters?

Stay well friends. You are important!

Good Grief and Inspiration

Peace, grief, inspiration

(Original post 2/5/2021)

Last week was the 2 year mark for how long my mom has been gone.  I really thought I would be OK this year. Honestly, I am doing great! I love this life I’m living.  I am so fortunate and acknowledge how abundant my life is. Why would I be sad?

Grief. It doesn’t end. It’s constant and ebbs and flows.

While I was cuddled up on the couch with my loves surrounding me watching a cheesy show about baby animals, it crept up. I caught it at first not wanting to let it come in. But the more happy baby animals and sappy moments, the harder it was to hold it back. Then, for some reason, watching a mama rhino help her new baby up on its feet opened the flood gates and it washed over me.  Like a cool blanket of spring rain, it stung and was still soothing.

I sobbed. Uh oh…I might start crying again right now. See! That’s what it does!  You think you’re solid and then BAM!  It’s like I’m a Alaskan salmon just killing it getting up stream and then out of nowhere, I hit a dam! My grief, I’m learning, is a consummate teacher.

It teaches me that I’m normal.

I am a normal human with normal emotions that I need to give a normal amount of time (however much time that is) to have my grief cry and get back to my normal life.

It teaches me that I’m powerful.

Even after I am stricken with grief-no really, out of nowhere-I can get back up and continue doing the good work I am doing in this world.

It teaches me to forgive.

Oof, this one…Most of the time, I can let go of something from someone else easily. What the sticker is though is forgiving MYSELF. Forgiving myself for things I said I wish I hadn’t; for things I didn’t say I wish I had; for not coming from love and acting in anger; for knowing I contributed to someone not feeling good, or appreciated, or not seen. There is so much I have to forgive myself for all the time.

It inspires me.

One of my most popular songs, Choose Love (link below) was written in my grief after my 5 week old nephew passed away suddenly.  I’ve sung this song so often just for me. A lot of songs have come from missing my parents or someone else who has left this plane. It also inspires me to take time to play, build a snowman, make a snow angel (lots of snow this week), whatever I can do to get outside and get some sunshine. It inspires me to say I love you all the time. It inspires me to say hard things. It inspires me to let go of grudges. Grief constantly inspires.

https://youtu.be/4N0u7XrE4-c

Maybe this blog will end up being an outline for the book I want to write for all the ways grief has helped me. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Stay well, friends. You are important.