BrainTap has been added to our services
Relax, Reboot and Revitalize with BrainTap
Denise and I are always looking for ways we can Level Up our lives. When we find out new things, we always want to pass them on to as many people as we can. We are doing that with BrainTap.
BrainTap is a headset that goes over your ears and eyes and uses different lights and sound to activate the healing waves in your brain. You can get more of the science behind it here.
We know first hand how beneficial therapy is. With BrainTap, we are super sizing therapy. Because it helps to get your left and right brain to communicate, it can help create new pathways in your brain which means new behaviors.
Let me tell you my experience in the first week. I have been working on getting some extra weight off. While I’ve had success focusing on nutrition. I hit a plateau I couldn’t seem to bust. Since learning about BrainTap, I’ve done the program for Weight Wellness every day. It’s a different program with guided visualizations and affirmations each day. Since starting, I’ve broken my plateau and I’m back to losing again. So far 4 lbs in 1 week.
In addition to the weight coming off, I’m feeling more refreshed with more energy, concentration, and productivity through out my day. Owning and running your own business(es) can be exhausting and rewarding. The renewal I’ve felt in the last week has been refreshing.
We want everyone to try this. Your first session will be free. After that, I’ll tell you about packages and Denise can customize with you which programs to start.
Stay well friends. You are important.
Parenting Part 2: Denise explains how to change a child’s behavior
Last post we ended with not taking thing personal.
I’m going to go into that a little more.
Step 3 continued – Don’t take it personal
It’s tough to raise kids and no one bothered to give us a set of directions! We get a set of directions for assembling furniture and driving a car and there sure should be one for raising children. In light of a set of directions, these steps will help.
Your child or children are going to fight, yell, call you names (like seriously bad names) just to push boundaries. What their behavior is really saying is “please mom/dad/parental figure give me a consequence to my behavior because I don’t know what I am doing” An example for me is when my daughter gets frustrated with the way I do or say something because it’s not what she wants to hear. She will get in my face and yell and/or tell me loudly how my parenting is subpar to what she would do if in my shoes! Usually there are swear words thrown in there and ones that she knows will push my buttons. I mean she is my kid and has been watching me for over 17 years.
So what do I do when she is acting like this…….. NOTHING I do not say a word. By the way, that drives her crazy. I give her no reinforcement of any kind. I try to keep my body language the same and my facial expressions the same-although if you know me keeping my eyebrows from moving is difficult- but just the same, I try to not react. When things calm down, I come up with her consequences. This can involve taking away the phone or sometimes if the teenager won’t give it to you, then I resort to shutting off wi-fi and her phone. These episodes could easily blow up and become disastrous, but NOT taking anything they say personal can help your mindset so that you too can not react.
Step 4 – Extinguish the behavior and reward when behavior is no longer present.
This is a play off of the other steps. If we want to extinguish behavior we can not under any circumstances feed into the behavior. Part of this is trusting yourself that at each point of your child’s life you have provided them with the necessary tools to self-sooth. If you are like most parents (including this one) your natural instinct is to scoop them up and hold them and give into their demands but that is the opposite of what needs to happen if you want that behavior to disappear.
I have a lot of examples but the recent example that comes to mind is that of a parent of an 11 year old girl who appears to be having the worst anxiety of her life. The mom describes the anxiety as painstaking to see and hear. The mom’s heart just breaks each time the child gets anxious. Sound familiar? The child’s behavior gets amped up towards the end of the day when they are getting ready for bed. This is when the child’s behavior goes from a 6 to a 10+. She comes into the parents room, cries for mom or dad, sometimes goes into their room to use the bathroom when there is one in the hall where her bedroom is, etc you get the picture. What do you think I told this mom (and lots and lots and lots of other parents)?
STOP STOP STOP.
Do not give her any attention at all when she is like this. Stop and walk away. Go to your bedroom or a bathroom or outside or in the car. I don’t really care but do not stay present while her child is doing this behavior. Because it is a behavior and it is not anxiety the way we think of anxiety. This kiddo is awesome. She comes up with every reason you can imagine why she needs her mom or dad. Once this mom decided enough was enough, she was able to listen to my suggestion and did not say one word when the child’s behavior happened. This mom had to actually lock her and her husband in their bedroom. Even when the kid was knocking and begging at the door the parents didn’t say a word. The dad had to yell in the pillow out of frustration and the mom cried but they didn’t let the child hear any of that which is really important. It took 3 nights after they committed to stop feeding into the child’s behavior and the kiddo stopped banging on the door or crying or coming up with every trick she could think of to get mom and dad’s attention.
Of course kids are adaptable and the child started a different behavior to get mom’s attention.
Mom caved but quickly realized what was happening and immediately stopped. It has been over 2 weeks and that kiddos extreme anxiety is down to less than a 5. That’s right, after 3 nights the behavior was almost completely eliminated and after 5 nights it is no longer present. Imagine how this could benefit your particular situation.
I know I mentioned rewarding when the behavior is no longer present. This is another blog post in it’s own so for now, you’ll have to stay tuned.
These two steps are a lot to take in. I know. I understand. I’ve done it. Since they are so much, I’m going to leave my final step for next week.
If you’d like a 1:1 session with my for parenting, I am available. Call Transformation Mentors at 860-787-0178 and Shawna will help you get on my schedule.
Stay well friends. You are important.
Parenting Part 1
Denise here. I do this all day long so I’m going to start posting here to pass it on.
Are you struggling with your child’s behavior? Maybe they are anxious and struggling themselves with the different feelings associated with anxiety. Or, maybe they are feeding off the household tension that they feel on a subconscious level. It doesn’t matter what the underlying cause of their behaviors is, it’s still just behavior.
How to successfully treat any behavior
I know. There are so many ways out there that you are probably inundated with a whole bunch of information that you either heard, read, or googled. The method that I teach is simplistic but requires consistency which can be a challenge. It does not matter why the behavior is occurring (diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, anxiety, Autism, deaf, depression, Reactive Attachment Disorder, problems with sensory processing, or any other diagnosis you can throw out there). If I can successfully manage my 17 year old man child who has been diagnosed with sever autism, then trust me, you can manage your child’s behavior as well. I do not just tell you what I think might work. It works!
Step 1- STOP feeding into the behavior.
That means stop asking why they are feeling the way they are or asking how you feel when __________ behavior occurs. Or any of the millions of excuses we find to feed into the behavior. If you want behavior to continue then go ahead and give it all the energy you want. If you do not want the behavior to continue, then we stop giving it energy.
Step 2 Stop talking.
Yep, we as parents say way too much to our kids. We believe that the kiddos can understand what we are trying to communicate. It does not matter whether or not they understand what we are asking of them. The fact is that it does not have any influence over their behavior. Behavior is just behavior and the way behavior is changed is through this 5 step system.
Step 3 Do not take it personally.
I am not here to criticize your parenting ability in fact I am here to be in your corner and support you and tell you how much you ROCK at parenting. I myself am not a superstar parent- just ask the other twin, my daughter, who is also 17 and acts just like her MOTHER. Whatever happens when you start doing this, don’t take their response personal. Their response is not about you. It’s theirs. So, let that ish go and keep doing it.
Next post I’ll go into more so stay tuned.
As Shawna says, stay well friends, you are important.
Am I Worthy?
Am I Worthy?
Last week I had 2 friends ask me how I get to the point where I feel worthy. I was like, hold on. I’m going to need more coffee. Two friends! In the same week!
This is such a loaded question. I don’t think I have all the answers. I don’t know that I have any answers. I can only tell you about my experience. I think I need to back this train up a bit.
My journey to worthiness has been long and constant.
There was no epiphany where I woke up one day and thought, “I’m worthy today where yesterday I wasn’t.” Self-worth has been something I’ve strived for and longed for. Now, I have better practice at not monetizing my worth based on others but it’s still PRACTICE.
I think about this quote by Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.” She says a whole lot after that, too that made sense to me. And you can take God how you wish. For me, I am a child of the universe that is infinitely greater than I am and teaches me all the time.
While she doesn’t say anything directly about worthiness or self-worth, I think it still says something to the topic. Some people are able to get that sense of self worth in worshipping God who because they love them they are worthy. For me, I had a hard time accepting that. Not to say that my construct of God isn’t loving but that wasn’t where I got my self-worth.
I grew up in a family with a lot of addiction issues, generational trauma, and abuse. (Don’t worry, I’m good – Lots and lots of work).
Self-worth was not something we ever talked about. In fact, most of the time, I never thought I was good enough to receive the love my parents had to give. I would try like hell to get their attention but when your mom is raised by wolves and your dad has experienced war trauma, there weren’t a lot of examples on how to give and receive love. I had to learn. We all did.
On top of that, we were just trying to figure out how to get by and survive. Showing affection was the last thing on the list. How on earth could we have learned what self-worth was? I was just trying to be self sufficient as to not incur the wrath of a parent who was just trying to survive.
Now that you have some background, hopefully it’s easier to understand why the journey to self-worth for me was not a walk in the park. Here’s where things started to shift for me. In my twenties, I started reading a lot. The books I chose had a lot to do with how to change the way you think to create a better world for yourself and taking responsibility for yourself in everything. Of course when I started implementing the practices in the books, my circle got smaller and smaller. My relationship fell apart. My family dynamic started to change. I’m sure it was because I no longer fit into the boxes others had created for me. (I’m realizing I still do this from time to time). I spent a lot of time alone.
ALONE.
No relationship.
Very few friends.
Alone.
When I spent time in solitude without the distractions of who was doing what with whom or spending money for the next great thing everyone wanted, I got to know myself really well.
I started having opinions on things I had no idea I had opinions on. I ate the food I wanted and none of the food I didn’t. I stopped drinking. Yep. I didn’t like the way it made me feel and so I stopped doing it to fit in. I went on hikes and sat in grass and didn’t care if people looked at me funny. I watched movies, documentaries and seminars I was curious about. I never had to apologize to myself or explain to anyone what I was doing.
I also started habits that I carry with me today.
I say affirmations on a daily. When I first started, I didn’t believe what I was saying. Things like, “I am powerful and there is a knowing within me that is my divine guidance”. Who says that?! I do-to myself daily. Eventually, I started saying affirmations in my head that I had memorized and I did believe them. Now, this took probably a year before I actually started believing it. I realized my words had power so I started changing the way I spoke to more positive and less self-deprecating-still didn’t always believe it, but I did it.
It was in the alone time that I realized, yea, I am a badass.
I can do things I want to do, how I want to do them. AND if anyone is going to be a part of my world, they really have to bring their own bad-assery. My world is good. I am good on my own. I am worthy because I feed and nourish myself with the things that make me feel good and valued.
I acknowledge that spending time completely alone is sacred.
I am so fortunate to have those years where I was a single lady getting to know myself better rather than going on countless dates to get to know others. Alone time looks different now. With the responsibilities of kids, future spouse, future in laws, and running the biz, again, alone time is sacred.
Looking back on it, I would spend that time alone again. The self-awareness led to my self-worth which is priceless.
Stay well, friends. You are important.
Integration and Integrity
Integration and Integrity
One of the reasons I love doing what I do is because my life is integrated and I can live in integrity. Let me explain just a little.
When I was working at a J.O.B., I had my work life and my personal life.
While I had a few friends at work, the majority of my associates had no idea about anything going on in my personal life. I felt very protective of my personal life and that if I disclosed too much, it would affect how my colleagues and maybe even how my manager would see me. It also meant that I put on my “professional voice” and “canned responses” and then took them off when I logged out. Sometimes though, that didn’t always translate and telling someone I’d respond to them within 48 hours wasn’t ideal-ha! The dogs were not happy when I said I’ll let you know within 48 hours.
Now, I have this freedom and clarity that I can be completely open about what is happening in my personal life without worrying.
I’m my own boss. I set the stage for what kind of company and culture I want to have. Being able to speak openly about CBD and also talk about its impact on my family without the constraints of the J.O.B. culture provides room to be in integrity with myself.
At one point in the not so distant past, I was not living in integrity.
To me, that means being honest with myself and others. For me to live in integrity, it meant I had to examine how I actually felt about the relationships I had with others. I had spent so many years trying to fit in so many boxes for people that I had lost what I actually wanted and felt. It left me stretched, unhappy, unfulfilled, and deceptive. Yes, deceptive. Not only was I kidding myself that my life was fulfilling, I would keep details from others to make it seem like it was and like I was happy. Those details add up. Just yesterday, I reminded someone that with emotional fallout, you’re going to pay for it. Whether you pay for it now or later, you still pay for it.
It took the devastating loss of my parents to make me actually look deep and decide what I was willing to accept for my life.
I definitely didn’t transition well. I made some really hard decisions that hurt people. When it came down to it, I could no longer claim living in integrity until I actually followed my heart, listened to my gut, and was honest.
Fast forward two years, I have an integrated life where I’m not hiding in shadows of my self doubt and people pleasing.
This isn’t to say that I don’t work on it daily. Everyday is a chance for me to create the good. That comes easier day by day but I still have to make the effort not to put myself away. To live intentionally with integrity, for me, means I wake up, get still, listen to my gut, and follow my heart. Who you see on Instagram and Facebook is who I am. While I may edit a video to make it more efficient, you would recognize me on the street because I’m happy about the skin I’m in! (and simultaneously always looking for how to improve my health and well being). We’re all works in progress right?
How do you integrate your life? How do you stay the same person at work and at home? Since I’m just starting to figure this out and retrain myself out of old conditioning, I’d really like to know.
Stay well, friends. YOU are important.
(YOU)niverse has my back
(YOU)niverse has my back
It was one of those mornings!
I woke up 2 hours earlier than I usually do because I had to leave the house for a doctor’s appointment. I felt good! Got myself prepared to leave the house and then….
I couldn’t find my insurance card. I saw it in my head laying on the table. It wasn’t there though. I decided, it’s OK. They’ll be fine to get it later today.
Then, I couldn’t find my keys. I entered the wrong address into GPS and I drove poorly to my appointment in a rush and everything on my seat ended up on the floor board.
When I finally made it to my appointment, they said I was too late and needed to reschedule. Yep. Expected that. By the time I got back to my car, I knew I needed a reset. Breathe. I turned everything off (except the car/heat-it’s cold here!) and measured my breath to get back to stillness. Yes. My morning wasn’t anything like I’d planned. Yes. I was late and had to reschedule an appointment that I had waited 3 weeks for. Yes. I have to redo all the cute deliveries I assembled because of my poor driving. AND I am OK. I am here. I am love. I am whole. I AM CAPABLE. I am expansive. I am the universe and the universe is me. The universe has my back.
Honestly, it took a few minutes to get myself back to stillness.
It helped though because I had an entire day to conquer. So, I looked in the rearview mirror to readjust and noticed I lost one of my fancy earrings. Mer. Not today.
I got lost three times while trying to drop off the marketing packets I had made.
I’m learning that when someone says Springfield, sometimes they mean WEST Springfield. Same thing with Longmeadow and East Longmeadow. I almost ran out of gas because I was searching for buildings that didn’t exist on streets in the wrong cities. I had 10 miles left and found the gas station. I jumped out and started the pump and then briskly jumped back in. The gas attendant told me he would be happy to keep pumping it for me. There it is. The universe having my back.
Made it home and decided a further reset was needed.
I took off my fancy pants and climbed into bed for a luxurious 20 minute nap. The two cats and I slept and they providied a purring weighted blanked. It was just what I needed. Thank you (YOU)niverse. I almost felt guilty about the nap but then reminded myself that I’m super productive and if a 20 minute nap is what I need to go out and be a beast at life for the rest of the day, then I’m going to congratulate myself for taking it instead of berating myself for needing it. I put my fancy pants back on headed out to complete my tasks in time to make dinner. There it is again. (YOU)niverse having my back.
How many times do we put our own needs aside for others when no one needs us more than we need ourselves? Or we look for solutions for our problems outside instead of reflecting on this abundance we have within.
This is why I started shifting to YOUniverse instead. I knew that I could get back to good with everything I had inside me. My own divine knowing and stillness would help me see clear again and bring my own peace. That’s not to say that I don’t need people. I definitely need human connection. However, recognizing that I am capable of doing hard things and making decision on my own is empowering. I can change the way I feel with my breath.
BREATHE
Although my day started a little rough, I’m still so grateful for all the things that went right in that day. I have a car that has GPS and heated seats and gets excellent gas mileage. I am able to do work that is fulfilling and flexible that I can take a 20 minute nap with cats that purr while I sleep. I have fancy pants and fancy earrings that help me get into a confident zone when cold calling businesses. I was never turned away once I made it to the businesses. Today, EVERYONE was cordial to me when my mood was rough. Bottom-line Universe has my back.
Stay well, friends. YOU are important.
Haters Gonna Hate
The feedback I get about my blog has been interesting.
Most folks are super supportive and tell me about what they relate to in the blog. You know what else though? Haters gonna hate. My entire life, I’ve had haters. I think most people do. Here’s what I’ve learned.
Haters are looking at something they don’t like about themselves.
It’s not usually what I’ve said or done. Actually, I try pretty hard to be inclusive, not assume, and only speak for myself. Usually, they get upset about something that they assume, exclude, or make about themselves. That can be uncomfortable. In fact, when I’ve found myself hating on some good fortune of someone else, I pretty quickly shift into, “what is missing in myself or what do I need to examine about myself that I’m having a hard time being happy for them.”
Self-reflection is HHHHHAAAARRRRDDDD.
For me, standing back and trying to see what I could do better and then actually execute it the next time it comes up is really challenging. It’s so easy to swirl down that old dirt road of “they just don’t understand” or “no one is listening to me”. What’s not easy is understanding that they don’t have to understand me, only I do. And, so what if they aren’t listening-why am I wasting my breath instead of doing something productive for me. Showing myself love is also showing the haters love.
As a reformed hater (OK, I admit, sometimes I still swirl down the old dirt road), I am better equipped to brush off the criticism or misunderstanding by just remembering it’s not actually about me. There are so many stories and experiences that we have no idea about when people share. We get a select snippet of a thought and fill in our own gaps for the lifetime of experience within ourselves to draw our own conclusions.
Finally, why do we justify ourselves?
Why do we feel like we have to have qualifiers or explain why something is? I’m going to practice not giving into the urge of over explaining or justifying myself.
How do you respond to haters?
Stay well friends. You are important!
Good Grief and Inspiration
(Original post 2/5/2021)
Last week was the 2 year mark for how long my mom has been gone. I really thought I would be OK this year. Honestly, I am doing great! I love this life I’m living. I am so fortunate and acknowledge how abundant my life is. Why would I be sad?
Grief. It doesn’t end. It’s constant and ebbs and flows.
While I was cuddled up on the couch with my loves surrounding me watching a cheesy show about baby animals, it crept up. I caught it at first not wanting to let it come in. But the more happy baby animals and sappy moments, the harder it was to hold it back. Then, for some reason, watching a mama rhino help her new baby up on its feet opened the flood gates and it washed over me. Like a cool blanket of spring rain, it stung and was still soothing.
I sobbed. Uh oh…I might start crying again right now. See! That’s what it does! You think you’re solid and then BAM! It’s like I’m a Alaskan salmon just killing it getting up stream and then out of nowhere, I hit a dam! My grief, I’m learning, is a consummate teacher.
It teaches me that I’m normal.
I am a normal human with normal emotions that I need to give a normal amount of time (however much time that is) to have my grief cry and get back to my normal life.
It teaches me that I’m powerful.
Even after I am stricken with grief-no really, out of nowhere-I can get back up and continue doing the good work I am doing in this world.
It teaches me to forgive.
Oof, this one…Most of the time, I can let go of something from someone else easily. What the sticker is though is forgiving MYSELF. Forgiving myself for things I said I wish I hadn’t; for things I didn’t say I wish I had; for not coming from love and acting in anger; for knowing I contributed to someone not feeling good, or appreciated, or not seen. There is so much I have to forgive myself for all the time.
It inspires me.
One of my most popular songs, Choose Love (link below) was written in my grief after my 5 week old nephew passed away suddenly. I’ve sung this song so often just for me. A lot of songs have come from missing my parents or someone else who has left this plane. It also inspires me to take time to play, build a snowman, make a snow angel (lots of snow this week), whatever I can do to get outside and get some sunshine. It inspires me to say I love you all the time. It inspires me to say hard things. It inspires me to let go of grudges. Grief constantly inspires.
Maybe this blog will end up being an outline for the book I want to write for all the ways grief has helped me. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
Stay well, friends. You are important.
We Are All Fleeting and Essential
Fleeting or Essential?
My friend Lea Morris said this to me last week. I don’t think I could’ve expressed how this last year has been for me in such a succinct statement! In 2020, I finally left the career I had devoted so much of my time and energy to for over a decade. Honestly, I felt like what I was doing was benefiting those who I did it for but was a detriment to my well-being. I would work 12-16 hours a day and get yelled at for things that were completely out of my control only to be exhausted to the point that I wasn’t giving anything to my family. Meanwhile, I had started a new business (Bradfield Joy) and really wanted to invest my energy in helping others that way.
2020 had a way of showing me that my decisions made epic waves in my own life but otherwise, they were pretty insignificant. This made it so easy for me to choose me and my family. For example, I left my last job without notice. The weeks leading up to me leaving, we had a major storm that left us without power for a week. To make sure I could continue working, I rented a hotel room to use WiFi. Trying not to let too many people know my situation, I was dealing with angry people all day long and having to apologize for not returning calls while I was working out how I was going to work. Meanwhile, my family was trying to figure out how to survive in the power outage during a pandemic without me. I just couldn’t seem to catch up after that. It was awful.
When do I throw in the towel?
So, I made the decision and called my sup and walked away with no notice. While it tore me up since my entire life I’ve worked and found value in the work I did, it was NOT worth the toll it was taking on me or my family. I was “fleeting” and replaceable at work. I was essential at home.
Essential or Fleeting?
Being essential at home and putting my energy into Bradfield Joy has given me more peace and joy than I’ve ever experienced in my life. Today, I had the flexibility to pick up Darrin from school unexpectedly. I also get to cook again! I love cooking! I get to take care of all those phone calls, chores, tasks, etc. that I kept putting off because I didn’t have the energy. I GO to the doctor because I’m not worried about getting yelled at when I get back to work.
Essential for who?
Being essential for myself is a big deal, too. My JOB was actually sucking the life right out of me. I never had the energy to dive into music like I loved or write or so many things. I was putting so much energy into work that overall left me insignificant! Oof. That still hits me. Now that I’ve let go of work that wasn’t serving me and shown up for myself, shown up for my family, the world around me makes so much more sense. I have a clarity on where my energy goes.
Being insignificant and fleeting gave me all the room to be essential in the areas important to me.
I can go on forever on this idea.
Stay well, friends. You are important.