(Original post 2/5/2021)
Last week was the 2 year mark for how long my mom has been gone. I really thought I would be OK this year. Honestly, I am doing great! I love this life I’m living. I am so fortunate and acknowledge how abundant my life is. Why would I be sad?
Grief. It doesn’t end. It’s constant and ebbs and flows.
While I was cuddled up on the couch with my loves surrounding me watching a cheesy show about baby animals, it crept up. I caught it at first not wanting to let it come in. But the more happy baby animals and sappy moments, the harder it was to hold it back. Then, for some reason, watching a mama rhino help her new baby up on its feet opened the flood gates and it washed over me. Like a cool blanket of spring rain, it stung and was still soothing.
I sobbed. Uh oh…I might start crying again right now. See! That’s what it does! You think you’re solid and then BAM! It’s like I’m a Alaskan salmon just killing it getting up stream and then out of nowhere, I hit a dam! My grief, I’m learning, is a consummate teacher.
It teaches me that I’m normal.
I am a normal human with normal emotions that I need to give a normal amount of time (however much time that is) to have my grief cry and get back to my normal life.
It teaches me that I’m powerful.
Even after I am stricken with grief-no really, out of nowhere-I can get back up and continue doing the good work I am doing in this world.
It teaches me to forgive.
Oof, this one…Most of the time, I can let go of something from someone else easily. What the sticker is though is forgiving MYSELF. Forgiving myself for things I said I wish I hadn’t; for things I didn’t say I wish I had; for not coming from love and acting in anger; for knowing I contributed to someone not feeling good, or appreciated, or not seen. There is so much I have to forgive myself for all the time.
It inspires me.
One of my most popular songs, Choose Love (link below) was written in my grief after my 5 week old nephew passed away suddenly. I’ve sung this song so often just for me. A lot of songs have come from missing my parents or someone else who has left this plane. It also inspires me to take time to play, build a snowman, make a snow angel (lots of snow this week), whatever I can do to get outside and get some sunshine. It inspires me to say I love you all the time. It inspires me to say hard things. It inspires me to let go of grudges. Grief constantly inspires.
Maybe this blog will end up being an outline for the book I want to write for all the ways grief has helped me. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
Stay well, friends. You are important.