Am I Worthy?

Mirror Work

Am I Worthy?

Last week I had 2 friends ask me how I get to the point where I feel worthy.  I was like, hold on. I’m going to need more coffee. Two friends! In the same week!

This is such a loaded question. I don’t think I have all the answers. I don’t know that I have any answers. I can only tell you about my experience.  I think I need to back this train up a bit.

My journey to worthiness has been long and constant.

There was no epiphany where I woke up one day and thought, “I’m worthy today where yesterday I wasn’t.”  Self-worth has been something I’ve strived for and longed for.   Now, I have better practice at not monetizing my worth based on others but it’s still PRACTICE. 

I think about this quote by Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.” She says a whole lot after that, too that made sense to me.  And you can take God how you wish. For me, I am a child of the universe that is infinitely greater than I am and teaches me all the time.

While she doesn’t say anything directly about worthiness or self-worth, I think it still says something to the topic. Some people are able to get that sense of self worth in worshipping God who because they love them they are worthy.  For me, I had a hard time accepting that. Not to say that my construct of God isn’t loving but that wasn’t where I got my self-worth.

I grew up in a family with a lot of addiction issues, generational trauma, and abuse.  (Don’t worry, I’m good – Lots and lots of work).

Self-worth was not something we ever talked about. In fact, most of the time, I never thought I was good enough to receive the love my parents had to give.  I would try like hell to get their attention but when your mom is raised by wolves and your dad has experienced war trauma, there weren’t a lot of examples on how to give and receive love.  I had to learn. We all did.

On top of that, we were just trying to figure out how to get by and survive. Showing affection was the last thing on the list.  How on earth could we have learned what self-worth was? I was just trying to be self sufficient as to not incur the wrath of a parent who was just trying to survive.

Now that you have some background, hopefully it’s easier to understand why the journey to self-worth for me was not a walk in the park.  Here’s where things started to shift for me.   In my twenties, I started reading a lot. The books I chose had a lot to do with how to change the way you think to create a better world for yourself and taking responsibility for yourself in everything.  Of course when I started implementing the practices in the books, my circle got smaller and smaller. My relationship fell apart. My family dynamic started to change.  I’m sure it was because I no longer fit into the boxes others had created for me. (I’m realizing I still do this from time to time).  I spent a lot of time alone.

ALONE.
No relationship.
Very few friends.
Alone.

When I spent time in solitude without the distractions of who was doing what with whom or spending money for the next great thing everyone wanted, I got to know myself really well.

I started having opinions on things I had no idea I had opinions on. I ate the food I wanted and none of the food I didn’t. I stopped drinking. Yep. I didn’t like the way it made me feel and so I stopped doing it to fit in.  I went on hikes and sat in grass and didn’t care if people looked at me funny. I watched movies, documentaries and seminars I was curious about. I never had to apologize to myself or explain to anyone what I was doing.

I also started habits that I carry with me today.

I say affirmations on a daily. When I first started, I didn’t believe what I was saying. Things like, “I am powerful and there is a knowing within me that is my divine guidance”. Who says that?! I do-to myself daily. Eventually, I started saying affirmations in my head that I had memorized and I did believe them.  Now, this took probably a year before I actually started believing it. I realized my words had power so I started changing the way I spoke to more positive and less self-deprecating-still didn’t always believe it, but I did it.

It was in the alone time that I realized, yea, I am a badass.

I can do things I want to do, how I want to do them. AND if anyone is going to be a part of my world, they really have to bring their own bad-assery. My world is good. I am good on my own. I am worthy because I feed and nourish myself with the things that make me feel good and valued.

I acknowledge that spending time completely alone is sacred.

I am so fortunate to have those years where I was a single lady getting to know myself better rather than going on countless dates to get to know others.  Alone time looks different now.  With the responsibilities of kids, future spouse, future in laws, and running the biz, again, alone time is sacred.

Looking back on it, I would spend that time alone again. The self-awareness led to my self-worth which is priceless.

Stay well, friends. You are important.

Integration and Integrity

work life balance

Integration and Integrity

One of the reasons I love doing what I do is because my life is integrated and I can live in integrity. Let me explain just a little.

When I was working at a J.O.B., I had my work life and my personal life.

While I had a few friends at work, the majority of my associates had no idea about anything going on in my personal life.  I felt very protective of my personal life and that if I disclosed too much, it would affect how my colleagues and maybe even how my manager would see me.  It also meant that I put on my “professional voice” and “canned responses” and then took them off when I logged out. Sometimes though, that didn’t always translate and telling someone I’d respond to them within 48 hours wasn’t ideal-ha! The dogs were not happy when I said I’ll let you know within 48 hours.

Now, I have this freedom and clarity that I can be completely open about what is happening in my personal life without worrying.

I’m my own boss. I set the stage for what kind of company and culture I want to have.  Being able to speak openly about CBD and also talk about its impact on my family without the constraints of the J.O.B. culture provides room to be in integrity with myself.

At one point in the not so distant past, I was not living in integrity.

To me, that means being honest with myself and others.  For me to live in integrity, it meant I had to examine how I actually felt about the relationships I had with others.  I had spent so many years trying to fit in so many boxes for people that I had lost what I actually wanted and felt.  It left me stretched, unhappy, unfulfilled, and deceptive.  Yes, deceptive.  Not only was I kidding myself that my life was fulfilling, I would keep details from others to make it seem like it was and like I was happy. Those details add up.  Just yesterday, I reminded someone that with emotional fallout, you’re going to pay for it. Whether you pay for it now or later, you still pay for it.

It took the devastating loss of my parents to make me actually look deep and decide what I was willing to accept for my life.

I definitely didn’t transition well.  I made some really hard decisions that hurt people. When it came down to it, I could no longer claim living in integrity until I actually followed my heart, listened to my gut, and was honest.

Fast forward two years, I have an integrated life where I’m not hiding in shadows of my self doubt and people pleasing.

This isn’t to say that I don’t work on it daily. Everyday is a chance for me to create the good. That comes easier day by day but I still have to make the effort not to put myself away.  To live intentionally with integrity, for me, means I wake up, get still, listen to my gut, and follow my heart. Who you see on Instagram and Facebook is who I am.  While I may edit a video to make it more efficient, you would recognize me on the street because I’m happy about the skin I’m in! (and simultaneously always looking for how to improve my health and well being).  We’re all works in progress right?

How do you integrate your life? How do you stay the same person at work and at home?  Since I’m just starting to figure this out and retrain myself out of old conditioning, I’d really like to know.

Stay well, friends. YOU are important.

(YOU)niverse has my back

good fortune

(YOU)niverse has my back

It was one of those mornings!

I woke up 2 hours earlier than I usually do because I had to leave the house for a doctor’s appointment.  I felt good! Got myself prepared to leave the house and then….

I couldn’t find my insurance card.  I saw it in my head laying on the table. It wasn’t there though. I decided, it’s OK. They’ll be fine to get it later today.

Then, I couldn’t find my keys.  I entered the wrong address into GPS and I drove poorly to my appointment in a rush and everything on my seat ended up on the floor board.

When I finally made it to my appointment, they said I was too late and needed to reschedule. Yep. Expected that. By the time I got back to my car, I knew I needed a reset. Breathe. I turned everything off (except the car/heat-it’s cold here!) and measured my breath to get back to stillness.  Yes. My morning wasn’t anything like I’d planned. Yes. I was late and had to reschedule an appointment that I had waited 3 weeks for.  Yes. I have to redo all the cute deliveries I assembled because of my poor driving. AND I am OK. I am here. I am love. I am whole.  I AM CAPABLE. I am expansive. I am the universe and the universe is me. The universe has my back.

Honestly, it took a few minutes to get myself back to stillness.

It helped though because I had an entire day to conquer.  So, I looked in the rearview mirror to readjust and noticed I lost one of my fancy earrings. Mer. Not today.

I got lost three times while trying to drop off the marketing packets I had made.

I’m learning that when someone says Springfield, sometimes they mean WEST Springfield. Same thing with Longmeadow and East Longmeadow. I almost ran out of gas because I was searching for buildings that didn’t exist on streets in the wrong cities.  I had 10 miles left and found the gas station. I jumped out and started the pump and then briskly jumped back in.  The gas attendant told me he would be happy to keep pumping it for me. There it is. The universe having my back.  

Made it home and decided a further reset was needed.

I took off my fancy pants and climbed into bed for a luxurious 20 minute nap.  The two cats and I slept and they providied a purring weighted blanked. It was just what I needed. Thank you (YOU)niverse. I almost felt guilty about the nap but then reminded myself that I’m super productive and if a 20 minute nap is what I need to go out and be a beast at life for the rest of the day, then I’m going to congratulate myself for taking it instead of berating myself for needing it. I put my fancy pants back on headed out to complete my tasks in time to make dinner. There it is again. (YOU)niverse having my back.

How many times do we put our own needs aside for others when no one needs us more than we need ourselves? Or we look for solutions for our problems outside instead of reflecting on this abundance we have within. 

This is why I started shifting to YOUniverse instead.  I knew that I could get back to good with everything I had inside me.  My own divine knowing and stillness would help me see clear again and bring my own peace. That’s not to say that I don’t need people.  I definitely need human connection.  However, recognizing that I am capable of doing hard things and making decision on my own is empowering.  I can change the way I feel with my breath.

BREATHE 

Although my day started a little rough, I’m still so grateful for all the things that went right in that day.  I have a car that has GPS and heated seats and gets excellent gas mileage.  I am able to do work that is fulfilling and flexible that I can take a 20 minute nap with cats that purr while I sleep. I have fancy pants and fancy earrings that help me get into a confident zone when cold calling businesses.  I was never turned away once I made it to the businesses. Today, EVERYONE was cordial to me when my mood was rough. Bottom-line Universe has my back.

Stay well, friends. YOU are important.

Good Grief and Inspiration

Peace, grief, inspiration

(Original post 2/5/2021)

Last week was the 2 year mark for how long my mom has been gone.  I really thought I would be OK this year. Honestly, I am doing great! I love this life I’m living.  I am so fortunate and acknowledge how abundant my life is. Why would I be sad?

Grief. It doesn’t end. It’s constant and ebbs and flows.

While I was cuddled up on the couch with my loves surrounding me watching a cheesy show about baby animals, it crept up. I caught it at first not wanting to let it come in. But the more happy baby animals and sappy moments, the harder it was to hold it back. Then, for some reason, watching a mama rhino help her new baby up on its feet opened the flood gates and it washed over me.  Like a cool blanket of spring rain, it stung and was still soothing.

I sobbed. Uh oh…I might start crying again right now. See! That’s what it does!  You think you’re solid and then BAM!  It’s like I’m a Alaskan salmon just killing it getting up stream and then out of nowhere, I hit a dam! My grief, I’m learning, is a consummate teacher.

It teaches me that I’m normal.

I am a normal human with normal emotions that I need to give a normal amount of time (however much time that is) to have my grief cry and get back to my normal life.

It teaches me that I’m powerful.

Even after I am stricken with grief-no really, out of nowhere-I can get back up and continue doing the good work I am doing in this world.

It teaches me to forgive.

Oof, this one…Most of the time, I can let go of something from someone else easily. What the sticker is though is forgiving MYSELF. Forgiving myself for things I said I wish I hadn’t; for things I didn’t say I wish I had; for not coming from love and acting in anger; for knowing I contributed to someone not feeling good, or appreciated, or not seen. There is so much I have to forgive myself for all the time.

It inspires me.

One of my most popular songs, Choose Love (link below) was written in my grief after my 5 week old nephew passed away suddenly.  I’ve sung this song so often just for me. A lot of songs have come from missing my parents or someone else who has left this plane. It also inspires me to take time to play, build a snowman, make a snow angel (lots of snow this week), whatever I can do to get outside and get some sunshine. It inspires me to say I love you all the time. It inspires me to say hard things. It inspires me to let go of grudges. Grief constantly inspires.

https://youtu.be/4N0u7XrE4-c

Maybe this blog will end up being an outline for the book I want to write for all the ways grief has helped me. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Stay well, friends. You are important.

We Are All Fleeting and Essential

Fleeting or Essential?

My friend Lea Morris said this to me last week.  I don’t think I could’ve expressed how this last year has been for me in such a succinct statement! In 2020, I finally left the career I had devoted so much of my time and energy to for over a decade.  Honestly, I felt like what I was doing was benefiting those who I did it for but was a detriment to my well-being.  I would work 12-16 hours a day and get yelled at for things that were completely out of my control only to be exhausted to the point that I wasn’t giving anything to my family. Meanwhile, I had started a new business (Bradfield Joy) and really wanted to invest my energy in helping others that way.

2020 had a way of showing me that my decisions made epic waves in my own life but otherwise, they were pretty insignificant.  This made it so easy for me to choose me and my family.  For example, I left my last job without notice. The weeks leading up to me leaving, we had a major storm that left us without power for a week. To make sure I could continue working, I rented a hotel room to use WiFi.  Trying not to let too many people know my situation, I was dealing with angry people all day long and having to apologize for not returning calls while I was working out how I was going to work.  Meanwhile, my family was trying to figure out how to survive in the power outage during a pandemic without me.  I just couldn’t seem to catch up after that. It was awful.

When do I throw in the towel?

So, I made the decision and called my sup and walked away with no notice.  While it tore me up since my entire life I’ve worked and found value in the work I did, it was NOT worth the toll it was taking on me or my family. I was “fleeting” and replaceable at work. I was essential at home.

Essential or Fleeting?

Being essential at home and putting my energy into Bradfield Joy has given me more peace and joy than I’ve ever experienced in my life.  Today, I had the flexibility to pick up Darrin from school unexpectedly.  I also get to cook again! I love cooking! I get to take care of all those phone calls, chores, tasks, etc. that I kept putting off because I didn’t have the energy.  I GO to the doctor because I’m not worried about getting yelled at when I get back to work.

Essential for who?

Being essential for myself is a big deal, too.  My JOB was actually sucking the life right out of me.  I never had the energy to dive into music like I loved or write or so many things.  I was putting so much energy into work that overall left me insignificant! Oof. That still hits me.  Now that I’ve let go of work that wasn’t serving me and  shown up for myself, shown up for my family, the world around me makes so much more sense. I have a clarity on where my energy goes.

Being insignificant and fleeting gave me all the room to be essential in the areas important to me.

I can go on forever on this idea.

Stay well, friends. You are important.