Am I Worthy?

Am I Worthy?

Last week I had 2 friends ask me how I get to the point where I feel worthy.  I was like, hold on. I’m going to need more coffee. Two friends! In the same week!

This is such a loaded question. I don’t think I have all the answers. I don’t know that I have any answers. I can only tell you about my experience.  I think I need to back this train up a bit.

My journey to worthiness has been long and constant.

There was no epiphany where I woke up one day and thought, “I’m worthy today where yesterday I wasn’t.”  Self-worth has been something I’ve strived for and longed for.   Now, I have better practice at not monetizing my worth based on others but it’s still PRACTICE. 

I think about this quote by Marianne Williamson, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.” She says a whole lot after that, too that made sense to me.  And you can take God how you wish. For me, I am a child of the universe that is infinitely greater than I am and teaches me all the time.

While she doesn’t say anything directly about worthiness or self-worth, I think it still says something to the topic. Some people are able to get that sense of self worth in worshipping God who because they love them they are worthy.  For me, I had a hard time accepting that. Not to say that my construct of God isn’t loving but that wasn’t where I got my self-worth.

I grew up in a family with a lot of addiction issues, generational trauma, and abuse.  (Don’t worry, I’m good – Lots and lots of work).

Self-worth was not something we ever talked about. In fact, most of the time, I never thought I was good enough to receive the love my parents had to give.  I would try like hell to get their attention but when your mom is raised by wolves and your dad has experienced war trauma, there weren’t a lot of examples on how to give and receive love.  I had to learn. We all did.

On top of that, we were just trying to figure out how to get by and survive. Showing affection was the last thing on the list.  How on earth could we have learned what self-worth was? I was just trying to be self sufficient as to not incur the wrath of a parent who was just trying to survive.

Now that you have some background, hopefully it’s easier to understand why the journey to self-worth for me was not a walk in the park.  Here’s where things started to shift for me.   In my twenties, I started reading a lot. The books I chose had a lot to do with how to change the way you think to create a better world for yourself and taking responsibility for yourself in everything.  Of course when I started implementing the practices in the books, my circle got smaller and smaller. My relationship fell apart. My family dynamic started to change.  I’m sure it was because I no longer fit into the boxes others had created for me. (I’m realizing I still do this from time to time).  I spent a lot of time alone.

ALONE.
No relationship.
Very few friends.
Alone.

When I spent time in solitude without the distractions of who was doing what with whom or spending money for the next great thing everyone wanted, I got to know myself really well.

I started having opinions on things I had no idea I had opinions on. I ate the food I wanted and none of the food I didn’t. I stopped drinking. Yep. I didn’t like the way it made me feel and so I stopped doing it to fit in.  I went on hikes and sat in grass and didn’t care if people looked at me funny. I watched movies, documentaries and seminars I was curious about. I never had to apologize to myself or explain to anyone what I was doing.

I also started habits that I carry with me today.

I say affirmations on a daily. When I first started, I didn’t believe what I was saying. Things like, “I am powerful and there is a knowing within me that is my divine guidance”. Who says that?! I do-to myself daily. Eventually, I started saying affirmations in my head that I had memorized and I did believe them.  Now, this took probably a year before I actually started believing it. I realized my words had power so I started changing the way I spoke to more positive and less self-deprecating-still didn’t always believe it, but I did it.

It was in the alone time that I realized, yea, I am a badass.

I can do things I want to do, how I want to do them. AND if anyone is going to be a part of my world, they really have to bring their own bad-assery. My world is good. I am good on my own. I am worthy because I feed and nourish myself with the things that make me feel good and valued.

I acknowledge that spending time completely alone is sacred.

I am so fortunate to have those years where I was a single lady getting to know myself better rather than going on countless dates to get to know others.  Alone time looks different now.  With the responsibilities of kids, future spouse, future in laws, and running the biz, again, alone time is sacred.

Looking back on it, I would spend that time alone again. The self-awareness led to my self-worth which is priceless.

Stay well, friends. You are important.